just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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