I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
