We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
