Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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