Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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