What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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