i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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