cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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