i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
