So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
