I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
