party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
