Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
