i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
