I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Randomize
