I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
