mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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