Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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