My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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