What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
