Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
a search helicopter?!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
