I'm eating all of the evidence.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
