Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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