I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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