as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is wine microwaveable?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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