how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
