dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
