i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
