the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
