hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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