i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
