OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize