so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
