She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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