hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
