dude i'm inner monologue high
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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