im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
