just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
