Porn is love you can see.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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