We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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