My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The power of my boobs compel you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
