You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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