loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
