Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
