I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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