I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
