I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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