my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
