It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
