having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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