remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
