I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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